Category: Antics of Pearl Bailey

It is no secret the Professor and I are ardent fans of Jeopardy. We kinda’ regard Alex Trebek as a favorite uncle of sorts. Last night’s show had us shouting out the answer to the above question before the clue was even finished being read! We both chimed in almost simultaneously, ‘What Is A Golden Retriever, Alex!’ It’s not that we are both brilliant, or maybe that we are, but this question left me pondering and snickering somewhat as I looked over at Pearl Bailey snoozing in the corner.

Now, the researchers of Jeopardy might have thought up the clever factoids which, in general, do describe the great breed, but hey…they never met Pearl Bailey – the most infamous Golden Retriever of all!

Let’s break it down. ‘The exceptional intelligent breed’ part, ok – Pearl Bailey got that trait bred deep in her DNA, and she knows how to work that to her advantage. But the boasting about ‘obedience’ part? Well, that is just down right wrong when you consider Ms. Bailey’s errant behavior.

I don’t know what litter or dog pack the Jeopardy folks considered to substantiate the answer to this question, but I am for sure going to submit a request that they review their facts! Pearl Bailey, the sumptuous resplendent Crème Golden Retriever, is anything but obedient!

Ella Fitzgerald turns five years old today! She gets little press because honestly Pearl Bailey gives enough fodder all on her own! Although, Ella is my little “Harry Barker” she is, simply put, a heavenly dog. The day she chose me and I chose her back was a fortunate day indeed. She brings a sense of peace to me, her sweetness and cuddle-bug persona, oh…and the way she adores the Professor, well that just shoots right to my heart.

Now, her sister on the other hand has completely exasperated me this week. I am not kidding when I tell you I have had to wash her face EVERY DAY for the past ten days. Every day she arrives at the sliding glass door with a mask of muddy dirt caked on her beautiful face and torso. I am not sure what drives this behavior or why she chooses to perpetuate it, but I am at my wits end.

I have scheduled the carpet cleaners, the housekeepers and the dog groomer for this coming week. I am serious, if this dame doesn’t toe the line this time, her fate may be sealed. I mean you’re cute, Pearl Bailey, but not that cute! I am watching you!

There’s been a homicide down in Shangri-la, and Pearl Bailey is a prime suspect. Don’t be fooled by her bashful eye movements, it’s only her attempt at feigning a look of innocence!

On our morning stroll to do business, I was down in the back yard with Pearl Bailey when I discovered a gaping hole that at first glance appeared to be the size of the Grand Canyon! Setting her past discretions aside, I KNOW Pearl Bailey is behind the caper. Her sidekick, Ella, could not have done it – the hole was ten-times the size of Ella’s whole body. This leads me to believe that as innocent as Pearl Bailey professes to be, she had to have dug the hole. Yet, she’s not talking!

The hole in question once contained a lovely miniature Bird of Paradise plant that blossomed twice a year. It was sweetly placed at the bottom of the deck steps and made for a warm welcome to the grounds. Now, that plant has apparently been murdered because even though there is no corpse to be found, the hole left behind is clear and conclusive evidence.

I am guilt shaming Pearl Bailey this afternoon although she still remains silent and pleading her innocence through each glance. I am sticking to her like glue and not letting up on my interrogation.

Believe me, I’ll get the truth out of her if it’s the last thing I do.

Merle the Squirrel has been quiet lately. He has made appearances down in Pearl Bailey’s Shangri-La but no taunting has been displayed. Perhaps this is why Pearl Bailey stayed so clean for so long, she didn’t feel it necessary to don a disguise!

This morning Merle made an appearance. It was eerily silent down in Pearl Bailey’s mystical, harmonious garden so I decided I better take a look. I found Pearl Bailey and her cohort, Ella, transfixed under a palm gazing up at none other than Merle the Squirrel (who can be seen in the far upper right corner of the photograph in silhouette). But what has Merle brought with him? What is that strange orb and why are my girls so still instead of being shrieking banshees?

I think Merle has returned with some sort of voodoo sorcery in an effort to cast a spell over his nemisis Pearl Bailey (and I guess Ella is just collateral damage). Anyhoo, my girls sat transfixed and staring as if under a spell for the good part of five minutes. Whatever witchery or black magic that Merle has brought with him this fine morning, I am ok with since there is no incessant barking involved in the wee hours of the morning!

And, anytime there is no barking, the Professor is eerily subdued too, which means no bellowing from the bedroom upstairs. All in all, this hocus-pocus is welcomed as I go about my start of a beautiful morning in paradise!

Happy Friday readers!

I guess I spoke too soon. Although, I can’t figure out how Pearl Bailey KNOWS when I write about her. I mean, she must have sensed something was up with me going on and on yesterday about her clean streak. Because when she returned this morning from her morning duties, this is what I was met with! How in the world does she get such intricate patterns on her beautiful face? And why? It’s like she met face-to-face with a charcoal bin that was hiding a gecko inside!

It never ceases to amaze me how intuitive this dog is. Let me tell you, even from a dead-sleep Pearl Bailey is instantly aware if I open up the freezer door…ice cream is a term NEVER spoken out loud in this household.

And, her ability to lay back when the pizza comes out of the oven? How does she know that the timing is not right because the temperature is too hot? Instead she lays in close proximity and waits until sufficient time has passed then she sidles up and plants herself beside my chair knowing that some of the uneaten crust is coming her way.

I guess we picked an intelligent dog when we picked Pearl Bailey. (Or maybe she picked us thinking the Professor and me as easy marks.) Sure, she has a pedigree and Ph.D. diploma in dog demeanor but I believe it goes beyond that. Pearl Bailey is just one of those knowing souls. Her instincts are finely honed and her devotion to me is paramount despite our comical pull at each other’s wits.

I have no choice but to keep her. One thing is for sure, I’m glad I’m not a betting man and I didn’t bet on her clean streak lasting. I would have lost my shirt!

Pearl Bailey has been behaving in the most strange way. This deviation from her normal demeanor began right before Christmas. Anticipating visitors stopping in over the holidays, I took the girls to the groomer on the 23rd of December. When I returned to collect them, I was met with gleaming silky pelts and the heavenly aroma of freshly coifed dogs! I am sure you do not doubt me when I say I lectured to her all the way home, ‘Please Pearl Bailey, stay clean for me, it’s lovely to be fresh, you will get more treats if you stay clean.’ Yes, I am not above bribery!

Well, don’t you know my sermon to her must have stuck (I know, shocking, right?) for Miss Pearl Bailey kept herself neat and clean for a record-breaking four weeks!

The next shocking change to her demeanor occurred one night in early January and included an accomplice. A surprise visit from her cousin, Blu, had her playing quite frisky with this young-buck. All I can say is there was a lot of butt smelling going on. Well, the adults decided a meal out was the best option for our dinner, so we left the dogs freshly fed and walked and snoozing in their beds. When we returned two hours later something big had gone down. The cushions and pillows on the sofa were disheveled, and the living room was disarrayed every which-way. Pearl Bailey was panting in short gasps as after exertion; Blu had a smile on his face about as wide as the Mississippi! And, Ella was pretending she was asleep. Something went down, but I guess I will never know what. Sister was right when she said “You need a Nanny Cam!”

When the family left heading back north, things returned to a normal routine, I thought for sure Pearl Bailey would resort to her old ways. I was certain she had a date with dirt pile somewhere in her near future. I was wrong. The flu paid a visit to our house next stop and took the Professor and I down for the count. All the while we were moaning, hacking and sneezing, she must have sensed something, for she remained lovingly nearby with a coat of pure white snow.

Today, January 26th – a full month of days have passed from the date of her beauty appointment – yet, she still remains clean. I don’t understand it. Don’t get me wrong, I am delighted and actually thinking of cancelling the housekeeping service, but hey…I can’t be sure if this peculiar behavior is going to last!

I’m still going to call Guinness World Records and see if she is eligible for nomination!

It’s a Christmas Miracle! Pearl Bailey has remained pearly white without a spec of dirt to be found! She even accomplished this despite the rains that fell over the past two days! Yes indeed, folks, as my grandma would say, ‘she’s clean as a whistle’.

Now mind you, my grandma had some crazy euphemisms but ‘clean as a whistle’, what the hell does that mean anyway?? I decided to take it to Google to see if they could shed some light on it. I found one plausible explanation relating it to a steam whistle – whereas the steam used to provoke the whistle sound would also be a component to keeping the exterior of the whistle clean. Dull definition! I searched a little more and I think I found it. Apparently, back in the swashbuckling early 1700’s , the word whistle was assigned to the sound of a sword swishing through the air. Those primitive days must have seen a lot of duels where the ultimate punishment resulted in decapitation! It was then that the phrase was applied to mean the head came off  “completely, absolutely, leaving no trace” – or clean as whistle! Good Lord!

Antique morbidity aside, let’s get back to the glory of Pearl Bailey and her best Christmas Eve gift to me – a clean pelt. Miss Bailey, the Professor and I send you all our wish for a very Merry Christmas, the Happiest Nights of Chanukah, and a Happy New Year to come.

May the lights that shine bright from your Christmas Tree and Menorah tonight be the reminder that we all light the world in our own way. And a glorious illumination it is!

From me to you – I send you all a multitude of Love!

Is there anything quite like having a good belly laugh with a friend? I have a girlfriend who promotes that, whenever we see each other it is always a laugh a minute. She’s the type that is full of gaiety naturally. I am not saying she has not had her share of sadness, she has, yet she is always, it seems, in a state of merriment, or at least she is with me!

Deep, genuine laughter is a physical action in humans. It is portrayed through visual expression. It can be a result of the inner feeling of mirth or happiness that manifests itself as joy which finds its outlet through laughter. Did you know that a baby understands and learns to laugh before they learn to talk?

Also, spontaneous, wild laughter has an anesthetic effect in humans which equates to freedom from pain. At least for a few hours. Imagine living each day in reaching for a chuckle or guffaw to propel you. Or, you get lost in it and add-in a respiratory snort, I’ll bet you would probably be able to eliminate Advil from your life altogether!

So, while we are in this joyful season anyway, why not try to find those moments or those people who ignite that feeling in you? It’s a contagious reaction, so why not do your part to spread the joy?

I know the next time I see my girlfriend, we will pick up right where we left off and there will be plenty of hee haws to go around! She provokes laughter in me, everytime!

---

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

Anais Nin

After a five hour spa treatment and mucho dinero later, Pearl Bailey became my resplendent dog again. I mean, look at that snow white coat of downy fur and those perfectly manicured nails! She is gorgeous!

Listen, if you haven’t been paying attention, Pearl Bailey is incessant about rolling in dirt, and I do not find this behavior amusing. It is a constant battle between the two of us. Where she delights in a scrappy disheveled look, I am insistent on a dainty well-coifed femme fatale. Pearl Bailey, it seems, is winning this fight!

Wanting you to be as informed as possible, these are photos of my dream girl – before and after. She has become camera ‘photo-op’ resistant lately, even refusing to smile when asked to pose. I guess she is on to me in my quest to expose her errant behavior. Regardless, you get the message!

Isn’t she lovely? Prettiest dog I have ever owned!

I’ve decided that Pearl Bailey is living out her life as a comedienne. What exactly do I mean by that? Well, a comedienne is an entertainer and Pearl Bailey certainly is that. An entertainer plays the clown and yes, she’s got that covered too. A clown makes it by sporting and frolicking and I assure you all, Pearl Bailey can frolic with the best of them!

Every single day of Pearl Bailey’s life, I have been greeted by this pose of hers – lying on her back with all four feet in the air. I mean, every single day of her life. It’s her favorite trick! You can imagine it when she was a pup – I would come across her striking her pose; her eyes staring lost in thought. I would break down in fits of laughter wondering what in the world could be going through this dog’s mind! Now, as a full-fledged buxom beauty when she strikes her pose, I find it downright hilarious.

Even though it’s a daily event I never get tired of seeing it, or become too jaded not to laugh. After all, I have witnessed this comedic behavior for 1,010 days so far without missing one of them! I think I’m her best audience!